I just realised, I wrote and released Secret months ago, but I never mentioned it on my blog.

So there you go. Mentioned.

I also recently wrote an article for another website about my experiences building Secret. It’s currently their “Featured App”, so take a look.

Hope you are all well.

Some simple rules for a two lane lap pool:

1) If there is only 1 person in the lap pool, use whichever lane you like, or even the centre of the pool.

2) If there are two people in the lap pool, choose a lane and stick to it. One lane each.

3) If there are more than two people, you swim in circles. That is, stick to your left, so as you come back the other way, the wall is always to your left.

Pretty simple people. And yes, the guy who jumped in and made me have to swim in a circle – see rule 2 above. It isn’t that hard.

And shower before you get in the pool you dirty bastards.

Thank you.

Another TV Week Logie Awards has come and gone. Continuing the tradition, here is my review.

Er, no. Actually I’m in Japan, so I didn’t get to see the Logies. But I think I can predict the outcome anyway, as it is always the same.

• If the host was Bert Newton it would have been hilarious. If the host was Shaun Micallef it would have been hilarious, but half of the people watching wouldn’t have got it. Anyone else, and it would have been painful. I’m going for painful. And embarrassing.
• If the host went into the audience to walk amongst them and talk to them at some point, there would have been tears of sadness as the lamest jokes ever were made. You would have been cringing in your seat.
• There would have been lots of international guests and/or acts, because apparently Australia has no music industry of its own.
• At some point, an international music act would have played, and the younger members of the audience would be shown getting up and dancing uncomfortably. An older person such as Rebecca Gibney would also have been shown up dancing with younger “starlets” and looking ridiculous.
• There would have been lots of ads for some hair product or makeup product sponsor – usually spelt with American English. They might even have been involved in some “backstage” ad where some “backstage host” is shown talking to some hair stylist or makeup stylist.
• The night would have gone on far too long, and would have been as boring as bat shit.
• The event would have rated poorly as no one cares anymore.

Leave comments if I was right. :-) And greetings from Japan everyone!

New Years Eve 2010, Kaoru and I went to “Armin Only” in the Docklands. This was a dance party that went for 9 hours – finishing at 6am, with Armin van Buuren, world famous DJ, at Etihad Standium.

It was 40 degrees that night, so inside Etihad with the roof closed it was even hotter. The place was packed. You couldn’t dance without bumping in to someone.

When we got there, we were talking to this friend of Kaoru’s on the dance floor (well, yelling, obviously, above the Doof Doof music) who was drinking some alcoholic drink in a plastic cup. She finished the drink, and threw the cup randomly across the dance floor. I was a little taken aback by that – who throws stuff on a floor ever?! And she’s Japanese – they treat floors with respect!

Where were the bins?!

But that was what everyone did all night. So as you danced you trod on plastic bottles and cups. The floor was piled high with rubbish. Not to mention little foils from drugs, cigarette butts (though it was non-smoking), and all sorts of other shit that people threw on the floor. Check out the photos. I did find one area where a group of people had started piling rubbish up in one spot – sort of like a tip in the middle of the dance floor. The feral kids in Mad Max came to mind – this is what the end of the world will look like.

These parties attract two kind of people (not including Kaoru and myself of course): girls dressed like sluts; and guys who seem to enjoy taking off their tops. I haven’t seen that many topless men since the Swanston street Indian taxi driver strike of 2009.

Not to mention that apparently I look like the type who takes drugs, since I was approached and asked if I wanted to buy. Seriously, do I look like I would be in to drugs? Maybe he confused my bored look with me being high? However, I came to the conclusion that the only way you can enjoy these parties is to take drugs or drink. Or both. Kaoru seemed to enjoy it more, but she was drinking. I had a red bull at around 9 PM and water for the rest of the night.

So, it got to 2 AM, and I had had enough. By then every song sounded the same. Actually, I’m pretty sure Armin was just playing the same shitty Eurotrash music over and over again, and the spaced out people on the dance floor couldn’t tell the difference. Unfortunately Kaoru told me we were staying until 6 AM. Longest 4 hours of my life.

Oh, did I mention the toilets? How could the floor be covered in so much piss and blood – yes blood – I don’t know. It seemed to magically get covered within 5 minutes of opening the doors.

Keep in mind I’m germophobic – so basically there are people touching me, men sweating all over me, floors covered in piss and blood, drugs all over the place, people smoking on the dance floor, and rubbish piling up everywhere!

So what about security? Well, there were no police. Instead there was hired security – basically two skinny Indian guys who walked through the crowd every now and then and approached no one about the drugs or smoking on the dance floor. So basically there was no security. I’m amazed the place didn’t turn into a giant riot.

Sure, Armin seemed to be enjoying himself. But then, he was up on stage, with plenty of empty space around him. He didn’t have drunk, drugged up, sweaty fuckwits dancing all around him. He just pushes some buttons and lights and sounds happen. I’m sure he’s very good at what he does, and I don’t want to take anything away from his profession. But seriously. I mean, he’s not a musician. He doesn’t play a guitar. He doesn’t sing. He doesn’t even play drums for fuck’s sake. He pushes buttons and plays shitty music.

So, 4 AM we take a rest. We sit in the stands. Kaoru goes off to the toilet. This drunk guy comes over to the stands a few seats away from me. He then vomits all over the seats. I move away and up the stairs, only to find a drunk girl vomiting into a recycle bin. Not sure that what she deposited for recycling is accepted by the city of Melbourne, but I appreciate her trying.

2 more hours to go. Somehow I survived. We then went home, and I went to bed.

Kaoru enjoyed the night. I think I enjoyed the Jam doughnut I ate when I got there, and that final bow Armin made at 6 AM.

Next year we find an all night 80s party! Some music with actual words and a tune would be nice.